More Convergence
Somewhere in the course of counseling tonight, my body language shifted. I grabbed a pillow, wrapped my arms around it, leaned forward, tensed my shoulders... Of course Counselor saw this. Of course she decided we should explore this. She reads me well.
So there was some exploration. We figured out (I didn't know why I was tense at first either) that I was tense because we had been talking about the job situation, which led to God. It was the God part that got me. God provides, specifically.
Well, she asked me some questions about my view of God. I had a hard time with them, because I wanted to give the "right" answers, the one I learned growing up in church and Christian schools. But those "right" answers weren't resonating with me at all. Few of them do. Giving them would not have helped me. They would have re-enforced my broken theology.
Once we knew what the difficulty was, she started speaking to that problem. We ended up talking about... knowing God. As usual, counseling was good- hard, but good. There was one point where she said something that hit me and tears filled my eyes. A few minutes later she said more and followed it with I found a chink in the armor. You know I'm going to go after it. I told her she sucks, but I had a big grin when I said it, so I don't think she took it personally.
Then I came home and read my blogs. Lo and behold, rlp posted today, and a very similar discussion grew in his comments.
Counselor keeps telling me I'm doing phenomenally well with what I'm working on. I keep biting my tongue. Every time she says this, my first response is to try to compare. How quickly am I getting this compared to other people? But then I remind myself that this question is not at all helpful. Am I getting it? Yes. That's what counts here. I'm a knucklehead.
It's such a long road. I wish to already be better. I'm all about the instant gratification right now. I guess I figure I've waited long enough. I'm not so good with follow-through, either. But here I am, not fixed, unable to see the road ahead, and not stupid enough to turn around. I'm muddy and scratched up. I have a big purple bruise on my leg. My shoes are coming apart and the hems in my pants are frayed, and I'm tired. But somehow, I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
So there was some exploration. We figured out (I didn't know why I was tense at first either) that I was tense because we had been talking about the job situation, which led to God. It was the God part that got me. God provides, specifically.
Well, she asked me some questions about my view of God. I had a hard time with them, because I wanted to give the "right" answers, the one I learned growing up in church and Christian schools. But those "right" answers weren't resonating with me at all. Few of them do. Giving them would not have helped me. They would have re-enforced my broken theology.
Once we knew what the difficulty was, she started speaking to that problem. We ended up talking about... knowing God. As usual, counseling was good- hard, but good. There was one point where she said something that hit me and tears filled my eyes. A few minutes later she said more and followed it with I found a chink in the armor. You know I'm going to go after it. I told her she sucks, but I had a big grin when I said it, so I don't think she took it personally.
Then I came home and read my blogs. Lo and behold, rlp posted today, and a very similar discussion grew in his comments.
Counselor keeps telling me I'm doing phenomenally well with what I'm working on. I keep biting my tongue. Every time she says this, my first response is to try to compare. How quickly am I getting this compared to other people? But then I remind myself that this question is not at all helpful. Am I getting it? Yes. That's what counts here. I'm a knucklehead.
It's such a long road. I wish to already be better. I'm all about the instant gratification right now. I guess I figure I've waited long enough. I'm not so good with follow-through, either. But here I am, not fixed, unable to see the road ahead, and not stupid enough to turn around. I'm muddy and scratched up. I have a big purple bruise on my leg. My shoes are coming apart and the hems in my pants are frayed, and I'm tired. But somehow, I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
posted by The Other Gatekeeper at
11:15 PM
3 Comments:
I am discovering that just at the point when I think the pressures and frustrations that have built up around me are going to crush me out of existance, I can let go.
I let go so that the flood of frustration, anger, disbelief and stress will sweep me into oblivion where I may find some rest and peace.
What I find instead of death though, is growth. Growth is traumatic for me, it always has been. It's so painful for me because I'm afraid to lose control.
There's the rub- only by losing control can I grow to the next higher level.
Maybe you need to let go before the pressure crushes you.
I love you my Sister!
I think Isaiah had it backwards. "walk and not faint" comes BEFORE "run and not be weary"
And we all know what comes after that.
Thank you for your honesty. It IS process. It DOES take time. But it IS worth it - that I promise you :)
I've been reading Gary Chapman's the Love Languages of God, and learning more about me and others too. Scary stuff.
Haven't been at home much - hence the lack of time in rlp chat. Hope to get there sometime after the weekend - midsummer here on Friday. YES. And hubby's taking Thursday off too :) We are going sailing with some friends.
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