The Impossible Dream

When I was seven years old, I wanted to be two things. I wanted to be a missionary in Sudan, or somewhere near there. The details of this dream involved my two best friends at the time and a clinic that we would run, since one of them was planning to be a doctor and I was going to be a chemist (think pharmacist). The other thing I wanted to be was MacGyver.

That was twenty years ago, and the doctor-to-be is a journalist with whom I have not had regular contact since high school. I didn't exactly end up with my degree in chemistry, either, but the dream of missions work is still very much alive for me.

In the last seven years I've been to China and Russia. I taught in China, and while it didn't quite fit, it was much closer than the street evangelism in Russia. On the other hand, if my entire purpose in Russia could have been to build relationships and encourage the local church, it would have been heaven.

Now I am presented with this opportunity. I mentioned recently that my church is sending a team to Kenya in January. I went to the informational meeting today, and I scoured the organization's website this afternoon. I now have several thoughts on the matter.

1. The first day in-country, according to the schedule we were given today, will be spent visiting Fred and Rosie, Kenyan nationals who minister in Nairobi. They were part of my church during Fred's seminary training, and we became friends. Fred was my source when I did my phonology paper on Swahili. It would be sweet to see them. Especially since Fred has asked me repeatedly about going to Kenya for missions.
2. Not only is Kenya adjacent to Sudan, ELI is building a program in Sudan!
   
3. This program is not evangelistic in the way we think of evangelism these days. It is also not a welfare program providing handouts but not means to escape the cycle. Instead it is a program that helps people in very practical ways and provides very practical services. It is also a very relational program. Beautiful.
4. Check out some of the things they're doing! I'd totally get to be MacGyver! In fact, the guy who's leading the team compared it to MacGyver.
   
5. Oh yeah, this one's interesting. The team has not been set yet, obviously, but the leader has. There is a decidedly spoonish quality there.
   
6. Ok, so how the heck does this make even one iota of sense when I don't even have a means of supporting myself right now? As things stand at this moment, even wanting to go seems ridiculously irresponsible.
   
7. Spoons make me question myself.
   
8. But this is the dream I've had since I was seven. The dream I thought was impossible, or even dead.
   
9. But I don't even have a way to pay rent once September rolls around! How in heaven's name...?
10. And then there are the no's I've been getting in the last two years. What if this is just another no? And in this situation, with The Dream, "no" would hurt. Bad. Again, hoping seems terribly irresponsible.
    
11. Another practical concern is health insurance. As in, I have none, and there are lots of immunizations to deal with before going to Africa. Which inevitably goes back to the question of money.
12. Of course, there's that whole risking everything issue. Christians are supposed to do that, right? Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. Well, there's definite risk here! But is it what I'm being called to for now?
    
13. I have absolutely NO CLUE here. Of course I want to go. Duh. Total no-brainer. But am I supposed to? I just don't know. I could totally rationalize this in either way, for or against. No problem. But I'm thinking the right answer won't be found with logic. I'm also thinking God isn't going to audibly give me a yea or nay, though that would be supremely helpful.

I need an answer. To something. A job, Kenya, something. But God has been rather silent lately with me. Other things are pushing in that I'll write about later, and this silence is really getting on my nerves, which conveniently plays into the message today. We read Psalm 88 and Youth Pastor Guy spoke about prayers of lament. So one of those may be coming soon too.

Ugh.