And In Spite of Everything Else
I love Thursdays.
No matter how awful the day has been on any given Thursday, I always walk out of counseling feeling better. In fact, tonight I was beaming, or so said sc0tlas who was sitting RIGHT OUTSIDE. (Oh @#$%^&*, no one in my family knows about counseling.) Have I mentioned before that I meet Counselor at church? Heh. Well, yeah. And this time, my little brother happened to be sitting right outside the room, waiting for the other building to open because he's the sound guy this weekend and practice is Thursday night. *sigh* I had to swallow many words very quickly tonight.
I ended up printing both posts to read to Counselor. First was the one from Friday, then the one from earlier today. I was shaking pretty hard, and it wasn't easy to read, but it had been a rough day, so I wasn't surprised. We talked. It was good.
She said that I'm right where I should be.
She said it's ok to be scared.
She said that I did a good job this week, with the thinking and writing. She said that's what's going to make the panic not as bad.
She said it doesn't matter if I feel brave, cause look at what I've done in the last year. She said I am brave.
She said she's proud of me. She said I've done so much in a short amount of time, and of course there's going to eventually be a backlash, where stuff just piles up and gets stuck. Well, yeah, that's pretty much where I am!
She said she's proud of me. And I'm ok. And I'm doing a good job. And she's proud of me. (Just in case you were wondering what is going to really stay with me from tonight, she said she's proud of me.)
She said it's time for me to decide who I want to be.
Uhhuhwha? Um. Yeah. Right. I'm the person who has always pretty much been who someone else wanted me to be. Lots of someone elses. Yeah. So.
She said that's ok when I said I don't know. Cause she knows that about me.
I guess that's what I get to contemplate this week. I think I'll start by figuring out what I actually like of what's left of who I've been.
No matter how awful the day has been on any given Thursday, I always walk out of counseling feeling better. In fact, tonight I was beaming, or so said sc0tlas who was sitting RIGHT OUTSIDE. (Oh @#$%^&*, no one in my family knows about counseling.) Have I mentioned before that I meet Counselor at church? Heh. Well, yeah. And this time, my little brother happened to be sitting right outside the room, waiting for the other building to open because he's the sound guy this weekend and practice is Thursday night. *sigh* I had to swallow many words very quickly tonight.
I ended up printing both posts to read to Counselor. First was the one from Friday, then the one from earlier today. I was shaking pretty hard, and it wasn't easy to read, but it had been a rough day, so I wasn't surprised. We talked. It was good.
She said that I'm right where I should be.
She said it's ok to be scared.
She said that I did a good job this week, with the thinking and writing. She said that's what's going to make the panic not as bad.
She said it doesn't matter if I feel brave, cause look at what I've done in the last year. She said I am brave.
She said she's proud of me. She said I've done so much in a short amount of time, and of course there's going to eventually be a backlash, where stuff just piles up and gets stuck. Well, yeah, that's pretty much where I am!
She said she's proud of me. And I'm ok. And I'm doing a good job. And she's proud of me. (Just in case you were wondering what is going to really stay with me from tonight, she said she's proud of me.)
She said it's time for me to decide who I want to be.
Uhhuhwha? Um. Yeah. Right. I'm the person who has always pretty much been who someone else wanted me to be. Lots of someone elses. Yeah. So.
She said that's ok when I said I don't know. Cause she knows that about me.
I guess that's what I get to contemplate this week. I think I'll start by figuring out what I actually like of what's left of who I've been.
Labels: Counseling
posted by The Other Gatekeeper at
10:18 PM
2 Comments:
Oh, hooray for the counsellor. I'm so glad she's given you something to take away and smile over, as well as hard work ahead. She's so right. You're doing tremendously, and it's exciting waiting to see what will come next, even though there will surely be some pain en route too.
But she's not alone in being proud of you, my friend.
More hugs xx
I'll still like you, whomever you turn out to be :)
(Oh, and I'm proud of you, too.)
(Oh, and yay for the counselor.)
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