It Must be Thursday Again
So, I've discovered a few things in the last week. I've been thinking and processing, mostly about the things I wrote on Friday.
I was talking with Sparks, and he found the right questions. He asked if the shaking was about fear, or anger, or something else, and I realized it was fear. But why? What am I afraid of?
All week I have thought about it, and all week I have been fine. No panic. No trouble breathing. No tears. Ok, I almost broke on Sunday, but only for a few minutes, then Mr. Distraction stopped and prayed for me and I was fine. Well, maybe a little jittery. ;)
Then came today. Good grief. We had our membership breakfast this morning. I was up early, and I stopped at Coffee Place, knowing that this would be The Day That Never Ends. I was fine. Until 11:30. I pulled up my post from Friday to print it out for tonight, and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I was shaking. Half an hour later, at lunch, I was nearly in tears.
Last Thursday, Counselor suggested that maybe some of the panic was connected with counseling itself, and I insisted it wasn't. Apparently, though, she was right. Again. Gah. So now the question is why am I panicking about counseling?
At this point I must correct something I said Friday. There are, in fact, three local people who are safe enough. One is Counselor. Duh. The other two are safe enough, but complicated. Or, rather, I make the situation complicated. They are the pastors, you see, and so many people demand their attention. So I just don't bother, except in extreme situations. I think the last time I actually sought one of them out intentionally was when Grandpa had just died. Two and a half years ago. Even that, though, was barely intentional on my part.
I think, then, that my question has several answers. First, I know that one of these days I'm just going to lose it. There's just too much emotion built up that needs to get out, and for whatever reason I can't seem to let it. I think it shows up so much in counseling (and to a lesser degree, at church) because it would be ok. That would be safe. But I can't. Maybe it's because I've spent so many years stuffing everything that I just don't know how anymore. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of what might happen. Maybe both?
There's also the Old Sam/New Sam issue. I only know the Used To Be. I have no concept of the Not Yet. I am not a fan of the Now.
And don't even get me started on The Book. I couldn't even deal with the thought of reading it this week.
I'm not in a good place here. Or maybe I am. I don't know. It's scary.
Does any of this even make any sense? My brain is not working so well today.
I was talking with Sparks, and he found the right questions. He asked if the shaking was about fear, or anger, or something else, and I realized it was fear. But why? What am I afraid of?
All week I have thought about it, and all week I have been fine. No panic. No trouble breathing. No tears. Ok, I almost broke on Sunday, but only for a few minutes, then Mr. Distraction stopped and prayed for me and I was fine. Well, maybe a little jittery. ;)
Then came today. Good grief. We had our membership breakfast this morning. I was up early, and I stopped at Coffee Place, knowing that this would be The Day That Never Ends. I was fine. Until 11:30. I pulled up my post from Friday to print it out for tonight, and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I was shaking. Half an hour later, at lunch, I was nearly in tears.
Last Thursday, Counselor suggested that maybe some of the panic was connected with counseling itself, and I insisted it wasn't. Apparently, though, she was right. Again. Gah. So now the question is why am I panicking about counseling?
At this point I must correct something I said Friday. There are, in fact, three local people who are safe enough. One is Counselor. Duh. The other two are safe enough, but complicated. Or, rather, I make the situation complicated. They are the pastors, you see, and so many people demand their attention. So I just don't bother, except in extreme situations. I think the last time I actually sought one of them out intentionally was when Grandpa had just died. Two and a half years ago. Even that, though, was barely intentional on my part.
I think, then, that my question has several answers. First, I know that one of these days I'm just going to lose it. There's just too much emotion built up that needs to get out, and for whatever reason I can't seem to let it. I think it shows up so much in counseling (and to a lesser degree, at church) because it would be ok. That would be safe. But I can't. Maybe it's because I've spent so many years stuffing everything that I just don't know how anymore. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of what might happen. Maybe both?
There's also the Old Sam/New Sam issue. I only know the Used To Be. I have no concept of the Not Yet. I am not a fan of the Now.
And don't even get me started on The Book. I couldn't even deal with the thought of reading it this week.
I'm not in a good place here. Or maybe I am. I don't know. It's scary.
Does any of this even make any sense? My brain is not working so well today.
Labels: Counseling
posted by The Other Gatekeeper at
4:39 PM
4 Comments:
Oh, Spidey.
Transitions just suck, and it sucks worse that there is no other way to get where you want to be. Sometimes you have to dig in your nails and hang on ... and sometimes you have to let go and drop into the void. I'm very familiar with that about-to-lose-it sensation, and I can only encourage you to explore safe ways to handle those feelings with Counselor. It doesn't have to be a nuclear sulfuric-acid-splashing everywhere meltdown -- you *can* handle it, with help.
It sounds like you're making tremendous progress in counseling. No wonder it's scary: you are changing in real time, before your own and everyone else's eyes. It is OK to be where, how, and who you are. Just keep on being.
Spider,
like sp says, liminal space generally sucks, but it is often the best way from point a to point b, and often teh results are unimaginably good. as a friend, i wish we could help you through this, but as someone who has been through difficult transactions i really can't help you that much. all i can do is tell you that so many people are pulling for you and to encourage you to reach out to someone. Reaching out is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.
t
Can only echo the others...We're with you all the way, love. It's such a hard process, that of becoming...we'd carry you there if we only could, but instead send gallons of love and many prayers. You're doing so well, truly.
Hugs xx
Glad the question helped, spidey. And I can think of lots of things I love about the old/new you. You are brave and Counselor is not the only one who is proud of you. You are also caring and funny and have that awesome memory, and it's fun to watch you be happy when you've made a good connection or been a help to someone. You're very intelligent, and you amaze me with the way you've encountered the new with an open heart.
I could go on...
Love you, spidey!
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