A Not-So-Hasty Retreat
This is going to be insanely long, so I decided I'd break it up. But rather than push older posts off the page, I'll use my mad HTML skillz to make life easier for my faithful yet very busy readers. ;)
Skip to Saturday
Skip to Sunday
Friday
I arrived at the retreat location flustered. It had been a long, slow, boring day at work, and I had hoped to leave an hour early to save myself some stress, but circumstances worked against me in that regard. I didn't end up hitting the road until 4:50. In rush hour. On a Friday night. On a holiday weekend. It took two hours, meaning I arrived just in time for dinner.
There was a huge crowd gathered into an almost-line outside the main building. I looked but saw no familiar faces. I walked along the edge of the crowd, scanning for anyone I might recognize.
Hey you!
I knew the voice before I saw who it belonged to. Suzanne! My retreat friend! Yay! We both laughed that after all my avoidance, there I was at the retreat. She said she wasn't surprised. Well, this was not a bad start. The first person I knew was a good friend. I became ever so slightly less stressed out.
My table at dinner was a minor collision of worlds. Staci, who I knew from a small group I was in seven years ago; Kristen, from a slightly more recent group; Deb, who I hang out with on occasion; Christie, who was a very important person in my world last fall; Pat, who I sort of know from various odd contexts (she's also Kristen's mom); Sue, who I only knew by name; and Tiffany, who I had not previously met at all. It was conclusive evidence that time is not linear, for in one very small hour, the last eight years of my life converged. I was truly expecting some sort of cataclysmic occurrence. We were given an ice-breaker.
Share two truths and one lie about yourself, and the rest of the table has to guess which is the lie. Be as outlandish as possible with all three.
My immediate response was But half this table knows me WAY too well! This fact, however, did not prevent me from winning. *grin*
All eight of us laughed so hard throughout dinner, so that by the end of the hour, I was no longer stressed out from the drive. I also felt a whole lot better about being there. After all, I had five good friends at that table alone, plus Suzanne, and Wendy had arrived just after we all sat down! It strikes me just now that in the past, I still would have been cynical. I wasn't. Not with these people around. Could it be that I'm more hopeful? Or maybe this particular group of people had such a high collective trust quotient that I couldn't even imagine the possibility that I'd be completely marginalized. Probably more the latter than the former, but this is still an improvement for me.
Unfortunately, this non-stressed state did not last long for me. We had our first session just after dinner, and the Father of the Year saga had me so raw that it wasn't long before I had to move to the floor for stability. I huddled in the corner trying to control the shaking, but I wasn't there alone for long. Wendy showed up and sat with me. Score one for friends!
At the start of the session, there was a larger entire-group-inclusive ice breaker. I managed to effectively avoid most of it and still meet someone new. Brigitte (pronounced Brih get uh) was also avoiding the forced socialization, along with Wendy, so Wendy introduced us. She's one of those people I know simply by virtue of having gone to the same church as them for almost 14 years, but I'd never actually met her. Turns out that's because she's really shy. She's also really cool. Um, can we say Retreat Friend #3? Cause, yeah, that's how it turned out.
By the time the session broke up for the evening, it was after ten, and Wendy, Brigitte, and I had not even gotten to our rooms yet. Suzanne showed us where we were. The three of them were roommates, and I was down the hall. In a room with four people I didn't know. But it turned out Deb, Staci, and Tiffany were next door. I accidentally lost the three I had gone up the hill with, but then I just as accidentally found Deb. We went back down to the hot springs, where we found six others from the group. Which was somewhat amazing, considering there were maybe five churches there. Also amazing was the fact that the hot springs group was exactly the same as the dinner group! The hot water and the excellent company (um, Sue could read the Russian in my tattoo!) got me back to a better frame of mind, so when we finally bailed at midnight, I was ready for sleep.
Except that these two roommates were up talking. About their kids. For an hour. Oh yeah, that's why I don't like these things. I turned on the ipod and went to sleep.
Saturday
Friday was so up and down emotionally, and it ended on a downswing. I woke up a bit gloomy and not so well rested on Saturday. From there it just kept getting better, let me tell you.
They served quiche for breakfast. Eggs make me spend the rest of the day wishing to puke and be done with it. I ate a muffin.
The first session of the day saw us split into randomly assigned groups. (They used birthdays to achieve this.) My group was ok. Don't get me wrong. The one person at the retreat that I wanted nothing to do with was not in the group. In fact, Tracy, who I barely know but who totally rocks, was in my group. But honestly, it was otherwise a bit disappointing. This may have been partly my fault. But I didn't feel like I could be real with the other two. It just wasn't happening. Plus, I was tired, grumpy, and hungry.
There was supposed to be an hour and a half of solitude time before lunch at noon. Clearly, by 10:30, I needed it. But the session ran over and it was 11:45 when we finally got out.
We had been told to sit with our groups for lunch. Two groups to a table. This saw the lunch time reunion of the roommates who talked about their kids well into the night. In fact, with the exception of Brigitte, who happened to be in the other group, everyone at the table talked about their kids. The whole hour. Yeah, way to go picking something everyone can participate in, ladies. Woohoo. I shut down. I left lunch more tired and more grumpy, but at least I wasn't hungry.
We proceeded to the next activity, which Wendy tried to escape altogether. In retrospect, she may have had the right idea. It was a variation on volleyball involving teams of four and very large balls, of the rubber variety that frequently go in swimming pools and can easily be popped when they land in berry bushes. These balls were two feet in diameter. It was very windy. Oh, and I loathe volleyball.
Yay for Diann, though. We were not conned, coerced, or otherwise guilted into actual participation. The anti-social trio thus sat on the sidelines. (We weren't the only ones) We did take pictures and cheer. But the teams nearest us had a severely misshapen ball, and between its warped nature and the wind, the dumb thing kept hitting me. No surprise there. But then, after I made a comment about the ball hitting me so often, one of the women purposely pegged me with it. So I tried to chase her down. (Stupid move. I wrenched my hip instead, and now I can't feel my foot. Hmm.)
This day is NOT going well.
Finally it was free time. Deb and I went back up the hill to our rooms. I spent the walk seriously contemplating closing myself up in my room and not interacting with anyone at all for the next three hours. Major points to me for going next door instead.
But Deb's conversation choice was Describe your ideal man. ARG. Within a few minutes I was shaking uncontrollably. The day was out of control.
Saved by the bell. Deb's phone rang. Staci's phone rang. My phone rang. Tiffany's might have as well. There were at least four phone calls in a very short stretch of time, and that train was mercifully derailed.
For the rest of the free time we chatted. Tiffany and I got a bit better acquainted. Staci and I were able to reconnect. Deb wasn't feeling well, so she took a nap. I nearly fell asleep at one point. All of the conversation from that point on was very good. We're talking quality conversation. I could participate. I could even contribute. It felt good. I felt better.
The weekend was focused on redemption, hope, and transformation. By dinnertime, these words had meaning again.
Suzanne spoke that night. Each speaker was sharing her own story of redemption, hope and transformation. Suzanne was the first who hit a nerve in me. It was her description of her mother. Why I was so easily thrown back into chaos is beyond me, but there I was, on the floor, shaking, and holding on to a chair for dear life. I also wrote. By the time they stopped and opened a time to pray together or ask for prayer or whatever, I was completely unable to move from my spot, I was shaking so hard. I was also completely convinced I was invisible. But then Tracy, who rocks the world, walked up to me, sat down, said Now this looks familiar. You're not ok, are you? and proceeded to hold me while I tried to calm down. It looked familiar because she found me in the same state the Sunday after Grandpa died. She had the same response then. This is why she rocks. Again, yay for friends!
Wendy had asked about my poetry, so the four of us were planning to stop for hot springs and poetry. For unknown reasons, my book was in my backpack, so it went to the water with us, which made it very handy later, when my roommates were again up talking, about real estate this time. I skimmed through the book until I realized I was suddenly shaking again. Oh, what NOW? So I looked at the page in front of me, trying to figure out what was happening.
Turns out the poem in front of me was a perfect fit for the weekend. Great. I know what that means. *sigh*
Sunday
The day was not starting any better than Saturday had, but I was better, so it wasn't awful. I even managed to keep it together when Sue's story started out way too close for comfort. I even managed to go talk to her briefly afterward. Except that I couldn't exactly find words, but that was ok, because she figured it out. It was good. Yay!
After a short break, there was "sharing time." Now, I had found that poem Saturday night, and I knew I had to show it to Suzanne, so I did that at breakfast. Then it got passed around to Brigitte and Jen. (Jen's one who I do actually sorta know, but not really.) So I was sitting there thinking ohhhhhhhh crap. And again at "sharing time," I was still thinking ohhhhhhhh crap, because even if they hadn't all agreed that I needed to read the poem, I knew it anyway. And Jen kept looking at me. And Brigitte kept looking at me. Ohhhhhhhh crap! So after three other people shared what they wanted to say, I took my book up and read. Oh, and shook. A lot. But then a bunch of people thanked me, so it was ok. Even though I was still shaking twenty minutes later. (I really wish I could get over this shaking business!)
Then it was over. I ended up going to In N Out with my three retreat friends, which was really nice because Suzanne moved to Idaho, and we won't see her again for who knows how long.
So ended Crazy Weekend. Yeah, there were definitely times when I felt like being single and not a parent was a point that excluded me, but that wasn't something that defined the weekend as a whole. There were a lot of really hard things this time, but that really wasn't surprising, all things considered. But there were also some really good moments. And those made the hard stuff bearable.
Skip to Saturday
Skip to Sunday
Friday
I arrived at the retreat location flustered. It had been a long, slow, boring day at work, and I had hoped to leave an hour early to save myself some stress, but circumstances worked against me in that regard. I didn't end up hitting the road until 4:50. In rush hour. On a Friday night. On a holiday weekend. It took two hours, meaning I arrived just in time for dinner.
There was a huge crowd gathered into an almost-line outside the main building. I looked but saw no familiar faces. I walked along the edge of the crowd, scanning for anyone I might recognize.
Hey you!
I knew the voice before I saw who it belonged to. Suzanne! My retreat friend! Yay! We both laughed that after all my avoidance, there I was at the retreat. She said she wasn't surprised. Well, this was not a bad start. The first person I knew was a good friend. I became ever so slightly less stressed out.
My table at dinner was a minor collision of worlds. Staci, who I knew from a small group I was in seven years ago; Kristen, from a slightly more recent group; Deb, who I hang out with on occasion; Christie, who was a very important person in my world last fall; Pat, who I sort of know from various odd contexts (she's also Kristen's mom); Sue, who I only knew by name; and Tiffany, who I had not previously met at all. It was conclusive evidence that time is not linear, for in one very small hour, the last eight years of my life converged. I was truly expecting some sort of cataclysmic occurrence. We were given an ice-breaker.
Share two truths and one lie about yourself, and the rest of the table has to guess which is the lie. Be as outlandish as possible with all three.
My immediate response was But half this table knows me WAY too well! This fact, however, did not prevent me from winning. *grin*
All eight of us laughed so hard throughout dinner, so that by the end of the hour, I was no longer stressed out from the drive. I also felt a whole lot better about being there. After all, I had five good friends at that table alone, plus Suzanne, and Wendy had arrived just after we all sat down! It strikes me just now that in the past, I still would have been cynical. I wasn't. Not with these people around. Could it be that I'm more hopeful? Or maybe this particular group of people had such a high collective trust quotient that I couldn't even imagine the possibility that I'd be completely marginalized. Probably more the latter than the former, but this is still an improvement for me.
Unfortunately, this non-stressed state did not last long for me. We had our first session just after dinner, and the Father of the Year saga had me so raw that it wasn't long before I had to move to the floor for stability. I huddled in the corner trying to control the shaking, but I wasn't there alone for long. Wendy showed up and sat with me. Score one for friends!
At the start of the session, there was a larger entire-group-inclusive ice breaker. I managed to effectively avoid most of it and still meet someone new. Brigitte (pronounced Brih get uh) was also avoiding the forced socialization, along with Wendy, so Wendy introduced us. She's one of those people I know simply by virtue of having gone to the same church as them for almost 14 years, but I'd never actually met her. Turns out that's because she's really shy. She's also really cool. Um, can we say Retreat Friend #3? Cause, yeah, that's how it turned out.
By the time the session broke up for the evening, it was after ten, and Wendy, Brigitte, and I had not even gotten to our rooms yet. Suzanne showed us where we were. The three of them were roommates, and I was down the hall. In a room with four people I didn't know. But it turned out Deb, Staci, and Tiffany were next door. I accidentally lost the three I had gone up the hill with, but then I just as accidentally found Deb. We went back down to the hot springs, where we found six others from the group. Which was somewhat amazing, considering there were maybe five churches there. Also amazing was the fact that the hot springs group was exactly the same as the dinner group! The hot water and the excellent company (um, Sue could read the Russian in my tattoo!) got me back to a better frame of mind, so when we finally bailed at midnight, I was ready for sleep.
Except that these two roommates were up talking. About their kids. For an hour. Oh yeah, that's why I don't like these things. I turned on the ipod and went to sleep.
Saturday
Friday was so up and down emotionally, and it ended on a downswing. I woke up a bit gloomy and not so well rested on Saturday. From there it just kept getting better, let me tell you.
They served quiche for breakfast. Eggs make me spend the rest of the day wishing to puke and be done with it. I ate a muffin.
The first session of the day saw us split into randomly assigned groups. (They used birthdays to achieve this.) My group was ok. Don't get me wrong. The one person at the retreat that I wanted nothing to do with was not in the group. In fact, Tracy, who I barely know but who totally rocks, was in my group. But honestly, it was otherwise a bit disappointing. This may have been partly my fault. But I didn't feel like I could be real with the other two. It just wasn't happening. Plus, I was tired, grumpy, and hungry.
There was supposed to be an hour and a half of solitude time before lunch at noon. Clearly, by 10:30, I needed it. But the session ran over and it was 11:45 when we finally got out.
We had been told to sit with our groups for lunch. Two groups to a table. This saw the lunch time reunion of the roommates who talked about their kids well into the night. In fact, with the exception of Brigitte, who happened to be in the other group, everyone at the table talked about their kids. The whole hour. Yeah, way to go picking something everyone can participate in, ladies. Woohoo. I shut down. I left lunch more tired and more grumpy, but at least I wasn't hungry.
We proceeded to the next activity, which Wendy tried to escape altogether. In retrospect, she may have had the right idea. It was a variation on volleyball involving teams of four and very large balls, of the rubber variety that frequently go in swimming pools and can easily be popped when they land in berry bushes. These balls were two feet in diameter. It was very windy. Oh, and I loathe volleyball.
Yay for Diann, though. We were not conned, coerced, or otherwise guilted into actual participation. The anti-social trio thus sat on the sidelines. (We weren't the only ones) We did take pictures and cheer. But the teams nearest us had a severely misshapen ball, and between its warped nature and the wind, the dumb thing kept hitting me. No surprise there. But then, after I made a comment about the ball hitting me so often, one of the women purposely pegged me with it. So I tried to chase her down. (Stupid move. I wrenched my hip instead, and now I can't feel my foot. Hmm.)
This day is NOT going well.
Finally it was free time. Deb and I went back up the hill to our rooms. I spent the walk seriously contemplating closing myself up in my room and not interacting with anyone at all for the next three hours. Major points to me for going next door instead.
But Deb's conversation choice was Describe your ideal man. ARG. Within a few minutes I was shaking uncontrollably. The day was out of control.
Saved by the bell. Deb's phone rang. Staci's phone rang. My phone rang. Tiffany's might have as well. There were at least four phone calls in a very short stretch of time, and that train was mercifully derailed.
For the rest of the free time we chatted. Tiffany and I got a bit better acquainted. Staci and I were able to reconnect. Deb wasn't feeling well, so she took a nap. I nearly fell asleep at one point. All of the conversation from that point on was very good. We're talking quality conversation. I could participate. I could even contribute. It felt good. I felt better.
The weekend was focused on redemption, hope, and transformation. By dinnertime, these words had meaning again.
Suzanne spoke that night. Each speaker was sharing her own story of redemption, hope and transformation. Suzanne was the first who hit a nerve in me. It was her description of her mother. Why I was so easily thrown back into chaos is beyond me, but there I was, on the floor, shaking, and holding on to a chair for dear life. I also wrote. By the time they stopped and opened a time to pray together or ask for prayer or whatever, I was completely unable to move from my spot, I was shaking so hard. I was also completely convinced I was invisible. But then Tracy, who rocks the world, walked up to me, sat down, said Now this looks familiar. You're not ok, are you? and proceeded to hold me while I tried to calm down. It looked familiar because she found me in the same state the Sunday after Grandpa died. She had the same response then. This is why she rocks. Again, yay for friends!
Wendy had asked about my poetry, so the four of us were planning to stop for hot springs and poetry. For unknown reasons, my book was in my backpack, so it went to the water with us, which made it very handy later, when my roommates were again up talking, about real estate this time. I skimmed through the book until I realized I was suddenly shaking again. Oh, what NOW? So I looked at the page in front of me, trying to figure out what was happening.
Turns out the poem in front of me was a perfect fit for the weekend. Great. I know what that means. *sigh*
Sunday
The day was not starting any better than Saturday had, but I was better, so it wasn't awful. I even managed to keep it together when Sue's story started out way too close for comfort. I even managed to go talk to her briefly afterward. Except that I couldn't exactly find words, but that was ok, because she figured it out. It was good. Yay!
After a short break, there was "sharing time." Now, I had found that poem Saturday night, and I knew I had to show it to Suzanne, so I did that at breakfast. Then it got passed around to Brigitte and Jen. (Jen's one who I do actually sorta know, but not really.) So I was sitting there thinking ohhhhhhhh crap. And again at "sharing time," I was still thinking ohhhhhhhh crap, because even if they hadn't all agreed that I needed to read the poem, I knew it anyway. And Jen kept looking at me. And Brigitte kept looking at me. Ohhhhhhhh crap! So after three other people shared what they wanted to say, I took my book up and read. Oh, and shook. A lot. But then a bunch of people thanked me, so it was ok. Even though I was still shaking twenty minutes later. (I really wish I could get over this shaking business!)
Then it was over. I ended up going to In N Out with my three retreat friends, which was really nice because Suzanne moved to Idaho, and we won't see her again for who knows how long.
So ended Crazy Weekend. Yeah, there were definitely times when I felt like being single and not a parent was a point that excluded me, but that wasn't something that defined the weekend as a whole. There were a lot of really hard things this time, but that really wasn't surprising, all things considered. But there were also some really good moments. And those made the hard stuff bearable.
posted by The Other Gatekeeper at
12:00 PM
1 Comments:
Hi Spidey, I'm happy the retreat ended up being worth it on the positive versus negative scale! I've said it before--you're a brave woman. It's hard to jump into a group (for me too), but you carried on through the shaking and queasiness. Way to go!
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