Grandma Sunday and a Train Wreck
I was in charge of getting Grandma to church and back today. She'll be 80 in August. It's showing. Her mind is going. Short-term memory is nearly gone. She's not so confident on her feet since her last fall.
We got to church and I suddenly felt like a train wreck. I don't know if it's because it was Grandma Sunday, or if I just habitually have crappy Sundays when I'm in charge of Grandma, but there I was. I couldn't sit still. I was having trouble breathing. I wanted very much to cry or write or SOMETHING, but nothing was happening.
It didn't help much that yesterday I ran into Mr. Self Absorbed and Full of *ahem* Wisdom. He was once a friend, and a good one. He asked where I go to church, and when I told him I was still where he used to be, he asked You mean you haven't left yet? And proceeded to remind me in manner and word why I definitely do not miss him.
But the ideas were there, and this morning, his words were ringing in my subconscious when I realized that the only person who acknowledged my existence was Pastor. Then, when it was time to go, Grandma asked me yet again where my dad was. But this time she asked because she had forgotten that I drove her today.
Zing.
After I dropped her off, I went back to church instead of going straight home. I saw some friends. One of them saw me. But I just couldn't deal with the train wreck, so I went home, shut myself in my room, and went to sleep.
We got to church and I suddenly felt like a train wreck. I don't know if it's because it was Grandma Sunday, or if I just habitually have crappy Sundays when I'm in charge of Grandma, but there I was. I couldn't sit still. I was having trouble breathing. I wanted very much to cry or write or SOMETHING, but nothing was happening.
It didn't help much that yesterday I ran into Mr. Self Absorbed and Full of *ahem* Wisdom. He was once a friend, and a good one. He asked where I go to church, and when I told him I was still where he used to be, he asked You mean you haven't left yet? And proceeded to remind me in manner and word why I definitely do not miss him.
But the ideas were there, and this morning, his words were ringing in my subconscious when I realized that the only person who acknowledged my existence was Pastor. Then, when it was time to go, Grandma asked me yet again where my dad was. But this time she asked because she had forgotten that I drove her today.
Zing.
After I dropped her off, I went back to church instead of going straight home. I saw some friends. One of them saw me. But I just couldn't deal with the train wreck, so I went home, shut myself in my room, and went to sleep.
Labels: Family
posted by The Other Gatekeeper at
2:37 PM
2 Comments:
Having been mostly away for the past week, I've just read a week's worth of posts in one sitting, and simply felt it was high time you had another hug. It truly is a privilege to read of your struggles and to see you moving forward. Proud of you, spidey.
Love and hugs xxx
It's good of you to take care of Grandma, and it sounds like you did some good self-care afterwards. Maybe it's not a train wreck, but just an acute need for space. Which is OK!
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