Monsters

I was collating when the Titans escaped. With little warning, my mind was in full scale rebellion. The screams were deafening. Worthless and Lazy were throwing stones. Lazy's son Unmotivated and Worthless's sister YouDon'tMatter started a dizzying dance, sucking life out bit by bit.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't focus. I became less coordinated. My hands started to shake.

I closed my eyes and tried to find the good voices. In recent uprisings, I've been able to find Pastor or Counselor whispering behind all the screaming. If I can't control the voices myself, if the good voices speak, I can hear them and the chaos fades.

But both the Pastor and Counselor voices were silent. I couldn't find them anywhere. I couldn't even imagine what they'd say if I could find them. I was terrified. I grabbed my phone and several times nearly called Counselor. But there was that huge collating job that needed to be done, and by then I was alone in the office, which meant I was the only one to answer phones. Still, my phone remained open and ready for me to hit send. There it sat, mere inches from me as I struggled through the job with a war raging in me.

I have no idea what finally broke it. All I know is one minute was hellfire, and the next minute all was calm. Ashes and ruin all around, of course. Suddenly I was exhausted. Go figure.

I still can't find the good voices. The places that the Titans hit with their rocks, the parts that were torn by the frantic dance, these still sting. I am at peace, but I am not without injury.

Went out to dinner with E tonight. Meeting Stephen Minister tomorrow. Lunch with another church friend Sunday. Monday I'm on my own. Counseling is Tuesday next week. I'll make it. (I say this more for my own benefit than for any other reason.) Maybe then I won't be so freaking defensive with her like I was last night.