It Rained Today

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

Colossians 1:15-20, NIV

At my church, we have a song taken almost directly from this text. As a general rule, I like the song. In fact, it's one of my favorites.

I couldn't handle it today, though.

The day started out just fine. I was working the coffee cart, so I got there early. The steamer is broken, so all we could sell was coffee or tea, so that was easy. After we shut down for the service, I went up to the nursery where two of my friends were working. One of the two was on the Russia team twice. The other is Pastor's Mom. I popped my head in and Russia Teammate commented on my smile. She commented last week that she has never seen me this happy. Pastor's Mom turned and said There's my girl! and walked over and gave me a big hug. She makes me smile. Have I mentioned I love this church?

Almost two hours later, I was sitting in second service when a wave of sadness hit me. I'm not really sure what the trigger was, but I do know where it came from. Not that knowing helped at all. Eventually, I was in my old spot on the floor in the back.

With the whole church singing Supreme High God.

But in that moment I didn't really need a big powerful God. I needed an I'm here, and I get it sort of God. And I couldn't find that God. I also couldn't find the tears I knew I needed to let out.

And I still haven't found them. Either of them.

In fact, right now I feel kinda empty and numb. And an elephant is sitting on me. Wow! Regression! Woohoo!

Voice of Counselor quietly reminds me Two steps forward, one step back. You're ok. Breathe.

...And there goes the hip. Saw that coming.

Elephant's gone now. Maybe sleep will help.