Weekend Contemplation
Two years ago, I was about to tumble head-first into the darkest, most frightening year of my life. Before that year was out, people were comparing me to Job. I might have nearly earned this by virtue of my circumstances, but I'm not certain I could claim the right to be compared to one so steadfast. I, after all, was asked to sign a contract promising not to harm myself.
One year ago, I was nearing the tunnel's end. While last year had its hard moments, it was ultimately a year of redemption. Without exception, that which was lost in 2006 was restored, even improved upon, in 2007. The occasional panic attack serves as a reminder of where I've been and how far I've come.
I barely recognize the person I see when I think back to the beginning of 2006. That broken shell of a human being disappeared somewhere in the darkness, and while the ensuing two years changed me tremendously, I still have a long way to go. The good news is 2006 did a fairly complete job of demolition, so everything new can lay its own foundation rather than having to rework old structures. I was contemplating this on Saturday when I recognized one piece of the old me that hasn't managed to change much.
I grew up in the Christian bubble. My elementary school was Church of Christ and junior high was Assemblies of God. My high school was loosely affiliated with Brethren in Christ. My dad was an elder and worship leader and my mom was the Sunday school superintendent at the Baptist church we went to until I was ten. I was about as close to being a pastor's kid as a person could be without actually being one. I was completely surrounded and completely inundated. On top of all that, for as far back as I can remember, I was always the kid who wanted to belong to God, first and foremost. To this day, my clashes with my mom generally boil down to a difference in value systems. I think her expectations are too grounded in American culture, and she wishes mine were more so. With all this in mind, you might think I'd have things pretty well figured out by now. You might not even be surprised to see me glowing like Moses did after he'd spent time with God.
Yeah, right.
What all that training did for me was stuff my head full of knowledge. Some of it was good. Most of it fell to dust and blew away in the various storms that came my way in the last six years or so. The one thing I've always wanted is the one thing I've never been able to achieve- to take that head knowledge and translate it into something deeper, more substantial, more real. I think I am probably doing some of that in counseling, and that's a decent start. But it's not enough, and I won't learn there all the things I know I need to learn.
Now I'm a catechumen in the Orthodox Church, and what am I learning thus far? Mostly head knowledge. Now, to a point, this is fine. I mean, plenty of what I used to know is gone, so something really needs to take its place. I'm pleased to say, though it may scandalize my protestant friends, the new head knowledge (though dreadfully incomplete in its current state) makes a heck of a lot more sense than the other stuff did. These ideas don't seem to have holes in them, nor do they cave in on themselves under scrutiny. I'm glad. I'm not sure I could survive another worldview collapse! Still, I know there's much more to this, and I am anxious to learn.
One year ago, I was nearing the tunnel's end. While last year had its hard moments, it was ultimately a year of redemption. Without exception, that which was lost in 2006 was restored, even improved upon, in 2007. The occasional panic attack serves as a reminder of where I've been and how far I've come.
I barely recognize the person I see when I think back to the beginning of 2006. That broken shell of a human being disappeared somewhere in the darkness, and while the ensuing two years changed me tremendously, I still have a long way to go. The good news is 2006 did a fairly complete job of demolition, so everything new can lay its own foundation rather than having to rework old structures. I was contemplating this on Saturday when I recognized one piece of the old me that hasn't managed to change much.
I grew up in the Christian bubble. My elementary school was Church of Christ and junior high was Assemblies of God. My high school was loosely affiliated with Brethren in Christ. My dad was an elder and worship leader and my mom was the Sunday school superintendent at the Baptist church we went to until I was ten. I was about as close to being a pastor's kid as a person could be without actually being one. I was completely surrounded and completely inundated. On top of all that, for as far back as I can remember, I was always the kid who wanted to belong to God, first and foremost. To this day, my clashes with my mom generally boil down to a difference in value systems. I think her expectations are too grounded in American culture, and she wishes mine were more so. With all this in mind, you might think I'd have things pretty well figured out by now. You might not even be surprised to see me glowing like Moses did after he'd spent time with God.
Yeah, right.
What all that training did for me was stuff my head full of knowledge. Some of it was good. Most of it fell to dust and blew away in the various storms that came my way in the last six years or so. The one thing I've always wanted is the one thing I've never been able to achieve- to take that head knowledge and translate it into something deeper, more substantial, more real. I think I am probably doing some of that in counseling, and that's a decent start. But it's not enough, and I won't learn there all the things I know I need to learn.
Now I'm a catechumen in the Orthodox Church, and what am I learning thus far? Mostly head knowledge. Now, to a point, this is fine. I mean, plenty of what I used to know is gone, so something really needs to take its place. I'm pleased to say, though it may scandalize my protestant friends, the new head knowledge (though dreadfully incomplete in its current state) makes a heck of a lot more sense than the other stuff did. These ideas don't seem to have holes in them, nor do they cave in on themselves under scrutiny. I'm glad. I'm not sure I could survive another worldview collapse! Still, I know there's much more to this, and I am anxious to learn.
Labels: Becoming Orthodox
posted by Sam Gamgee at
11:59 AM
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