This week has been one thing piled on top of another. Over and over. Stuff just keeps happening. An emotionally taxing meeting on Sunday, a difficult visit with an increasingly senile grandmother on Tuesday, then Thursday happened.
When I first started going to this church last fall, everyone I met was so very welcoming, but a few of them stood out. Nora the Exuberant who is like my long lost big sister, Doug who very quickly declared himself my new big brother, the list goes on. One such person was Randi. Our paths haven't crossed frequently, but there's always been good conversation when they have. She's a remarkable person.
I got the call Thursday night while I was at the mixer. Randi is in surgery. Brain aneurism.
They say it doesn't look as grim today as it did yesterday, but I keep thinking back to my student who was hit by a train last Thanksgiving. Who can say what will happen?
I spent the whole week avoiding the stuff, so of course it all crashed on me yesterday. Father Patrick took one look at me before vespers last night and commented that I looked like all was not well. Yeah.
Liturgy, though. I barely managed to get myself to church this morning, but I dragged myself out of the house and arrived just as liturgy was beginning. There is something in those prayers and hymns that never fails to put me back together. Not always completely, of course. The world outside those doors is still ridiculous. But you know that peace that passes all understanding that Paul talks about in Philippians? I've always wondered what I was missing that I couldn't find it. I used to walk out of church asking myself where I would ever find it, if I couldn't find it at church. Well, I found it.
Ok, so I don't have a very firm grip on it yet, but a little bit sometimes is better than none at all ever. It's as though just being there is enough to shore me up enough for another week of insanity. Even when I'm falling apart midweek, it's not as bad as it used to be. And there's matins, so if I can manage to get up, I don't have to wait until the weekend.
So I'm not miserable like I was yesterday. I am, however, tired. Very tired. But this is pretty typical of a Sunday afternoon. But my brain is mush, so I'm going to hit publish now and be done with it.
When I first started going to this church last fall, everyone I met was so very welcoming, but a few of them stood out. Nora the Exuberant who is like my long lost big sister, Doug who very quickly declared himself my new big brother, the list goes on. One such person was Randi. Our paths haven't crossed frequently, but there's always been good conversation when they have. She's a remarkable person.
I got the call Thursday night while I was at the mixer. Randi is in surgery. Brain aneurism.
They say it doesn't look as grim today as it did yesterday, but I keep thinking back to my student who was hit by a train last Thanksgiving. Who can say what will happen?
I spent the whole week avoiding the stuff, so of course it all crashed on me yesterday. Father Patrick took one look at me before vespers last night and commented that I looked like all was not well. Yeah.
Liturgy, though. I barely managed to get myself to church this morning, but I dragged myself out of the house and arrived just as liturgy was beginning. There is something in those prayers and hymns that never fails to put me back together. Not always completely, of course. The world outside those doors is still ridiculous. But you know that peace that passes all understanding that Paul talks about in Philippians? I've always wondered what I was missing that I couldn't find it. I used to walk out of church asking myself where I would ever find it, if I couldn't find it at church. Well, I found it.
Ok, so I don't have a very firm grip on it yet, but a little bit sometimes is better than none at all ever. It's as though just being there is enough to shore me up enough for another week of insanity. Even when I'm falling apart midweek, it's not as bad as it used to be. And there's matins, so if I can manage to get up, I don't have to wait until the weekend.
So I'm not miserable like I was yesterday. I am, however, tired. Very tired. But this is pretty typical of a Sunday afternoon. But my brain is mush, so I'm going to hit publish now and be done with it.
Labels: Becoming Orthodox
posted by Sam Gamgee at
2:52 PM
4 Comments:
According to Fr. Patrick you are and I quote "A doll".
To steal a quote from Fr. Stephen's blog:
"There is a saying from the desert fathers: “Stay in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.” It is a recognition that stability is an inherent virtue in the spiritual life, and in the constancy and patience of our prayers and labors with God, grace has its perfect work.
In the modern parish setting, particularly with my catechumens, I have translated the desert saying into a more modern statement: “Ninety percent of Orthodoxy is just showing up.” We do not live in cells nor is our stability marked by sitting quiety through the day reciting the Jesus Prayer. There certainly should be times of the day set aside for prayer - but one of the primary locations of our life of grace - as Christians living in the world - is to be found within the life of the parish Church - particularly within its life of sacraments, prayers, and patience (there is equally as much patience to be practiced in the parish as in any monastery). One mark of our struggle for stability is “just showing up.”"
(http://fatherstephen.wordpress.com/2008/02/25/salvation-by-grace-and-just-showing-up/)
During an *intensely* busy and challenging summer, despite the hectic schedule, I've found going to Liturgy and Vespers critical, precisely because of my current state of being.
Wow Christina! You got some good comments here! I think I will just say "ditto" to what they said.
You have some good friends. God bless you as you go through each moment today.
Love,
Debbie
Oh Spidey, - I'm sorry it has been so tough, but happy that you've had that tiny assurance of peace to carry away with you to sustain you for the next step. I find the Daily Office carries me in the same way - just being there regardless of what is going on in and for me...It's keying into the prayers of the saints, and letting them carry us, I guess.
Adding mine for Randi, too, of course.xxxehttb
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