What Goes Up...
Ok, so I crashed today. Big surprise. I guess it helped that I completely understood what was happening, but it still hurts.
Saturday and Sunday were definitely up. I was so fried by the end, but there was an abundance of good. There were Father Patrick and Doug. There was Khouria. There were the kids. Everyone from church who was there added to the good, as they always do. I love these people so much.
Today, though... Now that the overwhelming tiredness has worn off, I get to feel again. This was an inconvenient day for emotions to show up, let me tell you. Something about unreturned messages and significant days on the calendar and my own abandonment issues. It was not pretty. I was struggling through vespers tonight, and I ended up crying on Doug before class.
Why am I still crying over this? What is the deal here? I just want to move on. Be free. I also want to scream, because it's just not happening. I want guarantees that I'll never have to watch my most important relationships vaporize ever again. I know the only way to get that guarantee is to cut myself off from people entirely, so I want to scream again and kick things. Which brings me back to wishing I could just move on and get over it.
This needs to be over. I'm tired of feeling ridiculous. I'm tired of being dropped with no explanation by people who decide that one way or another I'm not worth the effort. I'm tired of these same people expecting me to be perfectly ok with being friends on their terms. I'm tired of empty promises. I'm tired of feeling like I've been played, used, lied to. I'm tired of being left. I'm tired of the nagging feeling that it's because of me, since it's always those I'm closest to who just up and leave. I'm tired of believing that this pattern will never change.
Most days are fine. This day has most definitely not been fine.
Saturday and Sunday were definitely up. I was so fried by the end, but there was an abundance of good. There were Father Patrick and Doug. There was Khouria. There were the kids. Everyone from church who was there added to the good, as they always do. I love these people so much.
Today, though... Now that the overwhelming tiredness has worn off, I get to feel again. This was an inconvenient day for emotions to show up, let me tell you. Something about unreturned messages and significant days on the calendar and my own abandonment issues. It was not pretty. I was struggling through vespers tonight, and I ended up crying on Doug before class.
Why am I still crying over this? What is the deal here? I just want to move on. Be free. I also want to scream, because it's just not happening. I want guarantees that I'll never have to watch my most important relationships vaporize ever again. I know the only way to get that guarantee is to cut myself off from people entirely, so I want to scream again and kick things. Which brings me back to wishing I could just move on and get over it.
This needs to be over. I'm tired of feeling ridiculous. I'm tired of being dropped with no explanation by people who decide that one way or another I'm not worth the effort. I'm tired of these same people expecting me to be perfectly ok with being friends on their terms. I'm tired of empty promises. I'm tired of feeling like I've been played, used, lied to. I'm tired of being left. I'm tired of the nagging feeling that it's because of me, since it's always those I'm closest to who just up and leave. I'm tired of believing that this pattern will never change.
Most days are fine. This day has most definitely not been fine.
posted by Sam Gamgee at
9:20 PM
3 Comments:
:( been there, being there, doing that.
The worst part is not knowing why so convinced it's your fault.
When maybe THEY are the ones a fault...no couldn't be THAT could it?
((Spidey)) xxxxx
"I'm tired of believing that this pattern will never change."
And yet it does change. Even when it does, though, it's hard to believe.
That's life in the wilderness. You can only do your part, and trust God to do his, not being swayed by those who don't do theirs. It's a brutal reality to live in.
But, the promised land is nice, so well worth keeping on.
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