Well, Hello Again, Voices
My brother graduated with his Master's degree today. Yay! His grad recital was last week, and he was fantastic. The requisite youtube postings will come eventually, I have no doubt.
My brother is also engaged. That happened nearly three months ago, so it's sort of old news.
This is all good. I love my brother, and I'm proud of him. He's a great guy, and my soon-to-be sister-in-law is terrific.
But the voices are awake today. The voices love to remind me that sc0tlas has the Midas touch. He is golden. He always has been. This would be perfectly ok. Not a problem at all. Except for that one little detail. If sc0tlas is Midas, then I'm Medusa.
These waves hit me sometimes. My brother is golden, and everything I touch breaks. I hate these days. I hate feeling like the loser, living in the shadow of my younger brother. I know I'm looking at one of those distorted carnival mirrors- the bendy wavy things that reflect caricature rather than truth. The problem is, I don't know what the truth looks like. I've only ever seen the distortion. I've been told, sure, but there's knowing and then there's knowing.
At least I can recognize that I'm not seeing an accurate picture. That's improvement. At this point I'll take whatever positive I can find.
***************************
EDIT: Thursday marked a year since the rug was pulled out from under me. That shouldn't matter, but the calendar awareness is not helping.
Also, there is another new engagement at my parish. Yay? That's been a pretty raw spot for me over the last month or so for a variety of reasons, so of course it keeps getting scraped.
We're still in the season of Pascha. We still sing the words "Christ is risen" at every service. That's a truth I can take hold of. Christ is risen. I don't have to be stuck in gloom. None of the situation changes, but the view is zoomed out. I'm not on my own.
My brother is also engaged. That happened nearly three months ago, so it's sort of old news.
This is all good. I love my brother, and I'm proud of him. He's a great guy, and my soon-to-be sister-in-law is terrific.
But the voices are awake today. The voices love to remind me that sc0tlas has the Midas touch. He is golden. He always has been. This would be perfectly ok. Not a problem at all. Except for that one little detail. If sc0tlas is Midas, then I'm Medusa.
These waves hit me sometimes. My brother is golden, and everything I touch breaks. I hate these days. I hate feeling like the loser, living in the shadow of my younger brother. I know I'm looking at one of those distorted carnival mirrors- the bendy wavy things that reflect caricature rather than truth. The problem is, I don't know what the truth looks like. I've only ever seen the distortion. I've been told, sure, but there's knowing and then there's knowing.
At least I can recognize that I'm not seeing an accurate picture. That's improvement. At this point I'll take whatever positive I can find.
***************************
EDIT: Thursday marked a year since the rug was pulled out from under me. That shouldn't matter, but the calendar awareness is not helping.
Also, there is another new engagement at my parish. Yay? That's been a pretty raw spot for me over the last month or so for a variety of reasons, so of course it keeps getting scraped.
We're still in the season of Pascha. We still sing the words "Christ is risen" at every service. That's a truth I can take hold of. Christ is risen. I don't have to be stuck in gloom. None of the situation changes, but the view is zoomed out. I'm not on my own.
posted by Sam Gamgee at
2:39 PM
4 Comments:
Which is more important: achieving "golden" success, or having a community of loving people surrounding you and meeting each other's needs?
Seems to me King Midas wished he didn't have that "gift" anymore. Mostly, he wished he could be a little less extraordinary because of the barrier that it built between himself and everyone he cared for.
...you also have plenty of talents. Your writing, for one, is exceptional. Your sense of caring for other people is obvious and should not be discounted.
I, too, went through a season of my life where it seemed everything fell short and I did not have much to give that anybody wanted. Looking back at that time, I had a lot... it was just hard to believe it was there when nobody else seemed to be watching me.
Take heart! You are the beloved of God!
Take heart! You are the beloved of God!I do know that! I didn't used to, but I do now. :)
So glad to hear you say "I'm not on my own." We all need others around who care and lift us up when we can't quite make the next step.
And I think that if the world were made up of just the golden ones, it would be a mighty boring world!
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