Are We Surprised?

Last night I had a rotten dream. It could have been a nice quiet happy dream, full of good friends hanging out at the usual Starbucks. But then someone else walked in and started yapping at me.

David*, your mouth is talking. You should see to that.

First, who invited him into this dream?

Second, why am I dreaming in Firefly?

One of my friends steered him away from us as another muttered a choice comment.

Yeah, but he's right, I responded.

That's where it got me. In the dream, I went outside and assaulted the nearest light pole until my commenter friend stopped me and let me cry on him.

The dream ended there.

I forgot about it, and the day went fine for a couple hours, until something reminded me. Then his words kept echoing, and I very quickly reached the point of wanting to scream and beat some inanimate object.

The thing is, if the comment in the dream hadn't had such an appearance of truth, it wouldn't have mattered. If it hadn't hit directly on a spot that's already raw, it wouldn't have mattered. If it hadn't come in such an entirely plausible manner, it wouldn't have mattered. But the whole scenario could absolutely be played out in real life, and the comment, which looks awfully true at this point, hit a very raw spot.

It didn't take long before breathing became difficult. I posted to Twitter.

GRAR!!!!!

Almost immediately, Counselor popped up with a direct message. (I heart Trillian and its new Twitter client!)

Problem?

Stupid dream last night is getting to me. I'll live.

And a few minutes later I was fine. I know she was praying for me. I also know that dream was somehow a result of my decision to end the counseling.

The offending comment was a new twist on one of the voices that's been in my head for a while. It's one that Abbess Michaila at the monastery told me might speak up. I didn't expect it to speak up in a dream, but there it was, and it rattled me pretty good.

But there were a few things that voice wasn't counting on. My friends, for example- the ones in the dream as well as Counselor. Two in the dream responded in rather helpful manners. Yes, I know it was a dream, but there are things to take from this. For one thing, my dreams have not always been quite so benevolent. Also, I could see them both doing the same thing were this to actually happen.

Once I made all these connections, the whole thing made so much sense that I had to laugh. Of course if I think I'm ready to wrap up counseling, something's going to go wonky in my mind. Of course I need to watch out for these voices. Even in my sleep I can be aware that they only have power if I let them, just as, apparently, even in my sleep I know I'm not fighting them on my own anymore.

There are still some monsters in my head, but maybe there will always be. I have the tools I need, though, to fight them.

Yes, I am ready.

*This may or may not be his actual name.