The Odyssey of Samwise Gamgee

Cold Duck

2008-07-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

I have always loved my current town of residence. This town was the main setting for a movie that became one of my generation's reference points. People commonly compare it to Mayberry, and that is a reasonably fair assessment. We work hard to maintain the small-town feel against the insanity that is Southern California.

When my dad had his own consulting business, his offices were here, and he was a member of the Chamber. He introduced me then to several of the people I know now, all of them still active members of the Chamber where I now work. I remember getting dragged along to help out at some event. It may have been the Birthday BBQ. Ha. We run the BBQ. In fact, it's our next big event.

One memory from growing up here is Music in the Park. We would, on occasion, grab a pizza or chicken or something picnicky and spend a summer evening listening to some local band's music. I was never thrilled with the bees that so loved our dinner, but the music was always good.

My fabulous apartment last year was across the street from that very park. I had no A/C, and I know everyone on the Music in the Park committee. Thus, most of my Wednesdays last summer included at least a visit to the park. With the Farmer's Market running concurrently, it was generally an interesting evening.

I wandered through the Farmer's Market after work yesterday. I saw some people I know. The roasted almonds guy gave me a free package of roasted almonds coated in vanilla and cinnamon (YUM). I treated myself to a soy latte at the Starbucks on the corner. I got brutally uncomfortable from said latte and have now sworn off soy as a major ingredient. I got honked at in the parking lot by my mother on the way to meeting my godmother for dinner. Eventually, we wandered up to the park. This is a typical summer Wednesday for me.

Last summer, if I stayed, I attached myself to a cluster of chamber members who are always there. They all come as a group though, and a long standing one at that. Some of them are on the board. I was keenly aware that while I may be welcomed, I'm not part of the group. With three of them on the board this year, I'm not sure I should be part of the group.

The band last night, Cold Duck, was pretty good. There were some songs that were unfortunate choices for the lead's voice, but it was an aurally enjoyable experience. The best part, though, was being there with actual friends. Pam and I had planned earlier in the day to go, and close to quitting time, Debbie said they would be there as well. Eventually, there were eight of us kicking back with a pile of kettle corn, red vines, and roasted almonds. The kids danced. We talked. I did steal a Chamber guy's cowboy hat. This cracked the kids up. Pam said something about head lice, which made me laugh, because I was walking through the grass barefooted.

I've always said I don't do groups. I just don't. But last night's Music in the Park adventure was something entirely different, yet not. I don't do well in groups larger than, say, three or four, but any collection of people from this church seems to be an exception. The Z's walked into this church in January or February. Thanks to crazy schedules and my own shyness, I'm only just getting to know them. Still, for reasons unknown to me, eight people was no problem, and I never felt out of place.

It is Time

2008-06-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

I have tried hard to not close off over the last few months, to not shut down, to not isolate myself. I think that, for the most part, I've succeeded. There have been times, however, when I've retreated. I suspect that this may have been healthy, but since healthy is wholly unfamiliar to me, that's just a guess. It's a strange place to be, really. I know I'm dealing with the insanity better than I did two years ago. I don't know if I'm getting it quite right, but at least I no longer have it all wrong!

That said, I think I'm ready to engage life again. Not to the point of dating impertinent Hindu twirps, of course, but I think I've recovered sufficiently to get back to living.

Maybe I'll even manage some real blogging again!

Meanwhile, Wall-E is definitely worth the cost of a trip to the theater. Prince Caspian was ok, though not particularly reflective of the book it's based on.

Another Round of Not Quite What I Planned

2008-06-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the first night of Music in the Park for the summer. The park in question is just on the other side of the farmer's market from work, and across the street from the apartment I used to live in. It's really close.

My plan was to go home after work, change, get a massage, go to the farmer's market for dinner, and end up at Music in the Park around 7:30.

What really happened was I got as far as the massage, but when I went to leave, my car wouldn't start. I'm no car guru, but there is a limited number of causes for such behavior, and I've had experience with the various scenarios. I've been through two failed alternators and three failed starters. Neither of these was the problem. What I'd never had before was a dead battery. Hey, my car's a 2004, I got it when it was a year old, and I've never changed the battery. It's definitely due, and it seems pretty clear that's the problem.

Thank goodness it isn't something worse. I can deal with a battery. Of course, I have no idea what to do, what kind of battery to buy, how to change it out...

I called Mom. The massage place is two blocks from her house, so she came and picked me up. I called my friend Mike the mechanic. No answer. Joe at Music in the Park. No answer. Charles at the market went to the park to see if the tow truck/ lock smith/ auto repair guy was there. He often is, but not tonight. I got Martin's voice mail, and then Father Patrick's.

Why did I call my priest? Well, maybe we have someone in the church who knows cars. Turns out we do. The next call was to Father Patrick's house, where I found his wife. She found me someone who would look at the car tomorrow. All I had to do was get it to the church. Boy am I glad I got AAA.

Eywgene is spending the night in the parking lot at work. The tow truck couldn't get in to the church lot. Too small with low clearance. Work is a whopping half block from church, so it shouldn't be a problem, and that actually means I can just run outside when the looking at the car happens.

My mom is worried I'll get a ticket or towed because of where I'm parked. I'm not. First, I don't think it would happen. If it does, ok. I know the guy to talk to if I get a ticket. I know the guy to talk to if it gets towed. In fact, I know the guy whose truck would be doing the towing and whose yard would be holding the car thereafter. I also know both the captain and the lieutenant at the sheriff's station. No problem.

I got home at 9:30 tonight. I never made it to the park. This wasn't the plan, but whatever. My car will be back in working condition in time for all the driving I have tomorrow night.

A Rant

2008-06-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

May I rant for a moment here? Hey, it's my blog; why am I asking? If you don't want to read, that's ok. That might be the better choice. Otherwise, don't say I didn't warn you.

First, my sincere apologies to those decent males out there. I know you do exist.

Now.

There's this guy. He showed up in the office a few weeks ago on business. He thought I was interesting. I found his combination or tongue-tied-ness and babbling somewhat amusing. He decided, as a result of some work related things, that he owed me a coffee.

Skip to last week. We had coffee. It was enjoyable. He's nice enough, funny, etc. He's also 5'7", which I swear is becoming a disturbing theme. Why are they always 5'7"? Please can I hit my head against a wall now? I know one guy who is 5'7" who made me totally not care that I'm two inches taller than him. Anyone else, hmm. Not so much, ok? Would 5'10" or (dare to dream) 6'+ be so impossible? That's not the point, though.

So in the middle of coffee last week he drops the word "date." I think I went into shock. It wasn't until a while after I got home that I fell apart and decided that I am just not ready to try this dating thing. But how to tell him? (Let's not even get started on the little detail that he's Hindu!)

He was at the mixer on Thursday. Wrong environment. Phone? Safe, but cold. He deserved the consideration of having that conversation in person.

I'm not ready to do this dating business. I can't handle it emotionally. This I told him today over coffee.

Ok, why do we need to put any labels on it? Why can't we be friends, spend some time together, and if it doesn't go anywhere, ok?

That sounded reasonable enough.

So we were just hanging out. It was nice. He's nice. He's ok friend material.

He kissed me.

*insert sound effect of broken video*

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Am I not speaking English? Is there some sign on me that broadcasts to guys that I really don't mean no? Was my earlier statement somehow unclear?

Forget it. I'm just a little bit irritated (read: completely pissed off). And just about ready to swear off dating entirely. It just doesn't work. The only time I manage to find someone who isn't a loser, he's stuck 3300 miles away. Or I'm stuck 3300 miles away. Whichever. It doesn't matter. The result is the same.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is exactly why I didn't date anyone at all for a decade. (Well, that, and no one other than Shadow Boy and a couple stalkers was ever interested.) Is that ever a tempting place to return to.

I am now imagining kicking inanimate objects.

Forget being considerate. The next conversation will be over the phone. I'm done.

Oh, counseling's going to be fun this week.

Time. Space. Rest.

2008-06-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

Last Friday was the Chamber's annual golf tournament. The turnout was pretty sad- we had about half a field. It was also about 107 on Friday, so those who did show were roasting, what with our 2 pm tee time. File that under "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

However, this meant it was an easy day for us. No office. No phones. No one thinking the building is a museum, City Hall, or a good place to leave the little milk carton that they didn't drink from lunch at the senior center.

I had good conversations with two of our board members on Friday. In fact, those conversations served to release a lot of the tension I was feeling. There is follow-up for me to do, but the ticking time bomb has been diffused. For now.

I arrived at The Cabin at 10 pm. The road was incredibly dark. It was still hot, even that late and a mile up. This was actually a good thing, because the last visitor had turned off the pilot to the furnace, and I can never get that thing to relight. It was easily still 80 degrees out, though, and closing in on 11 pm, so I wasn't too worried about the lack of heat.

I did almost nothing on Saturday. It was too hot to take a walk, and I was already burned from driving around in a golf cart, so I stayed inside. My phone had no signal, so it was off. I hadn't brought my computer. There is no tv. And with those three unavailable, I also had no clock. Instead, I slept. And slept. And slept. I had a full night's sleep Friday night, and a two hour nap Saturday afternoon. It was fabulous!

Driving up the mountain is always stressful for me. I suspect if I went up more often, I'd be more comfortable with the turns, but it really puts me on edge. Always has, even when someone else is driving. However, driving down is a completely different story. I have no idea why, but it's true. The drive back down the mountain on Saturday ended up being part of the process of putting myself back together after the yuck of last week.

We had a church picnic on Sunday. It was hot, though not as hot as Friday. And the group that was there was incredibly fun. Someone got my internal soundtrack going, and before I knew it, a bunch of us were singing show tunes. There were stories, too. So, good food, good friends, Broadway music, and stories. Um. Is there any better way to spend an afternoon??? I think not.

It was a most excellent weekend!

Running Away

2008-06-19T22:57:00.001-07:00

I need a break.

Badly.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling as pushed to the limits as I am. I know there are a number of factors, but the total strain seems bigger than the sum of its parts. What I do know is that if I don't get some real honest-to-goodness rest, I'm going to crash and burn again like a couple weeks ago, when I nearly slept through four days.

Tomorrow (Friday) I'm working a golf tournament all day. After, that, I'm skipping town and going to the cabin. I won't have my computer. There will be no books or tv to get lost in. There will be silence. I need it. I fear it. There has been so much noise for so long that I have no idea what I'll find. This may be painful, or it could be absolutely wonderful. In either case, I know it's what I've needed for a while. The mountains have been calling me for months.

I've always found peace there. I need peace so badly right now. I need rest. I need direction. If I find even one of these, it will be well worth the $4.50/gallon price tag.

A General Request

2008-06-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

To Whom It May Concern;

I would very much appreciate getting through one day without having to battle, push through, or otherwise face utter exhaustion.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Sam Gamgee

Schedule Shuffling

2008-06-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

I wasn't supposed to have counseling this week. That was the plan, at least. But my plans never work.

Monday night was messy. Rather, I was messy on Monday. I was chatting with Stacey. One minute I was fine, and the next minute she had a blubbering mess on her hands. (Thanks for being there, Stacey!)

I didn't sleep much or well Monday night, and when I woke up on Tuesday, I wasn't trying to singlehandedly resolve the drought, but I was oh so angsty. Early in the day, I had to hide in the back room at work because I just couldn't get past the emotions.

Fortunately, I got sent on a field trip to deliver flyers to all the schools. Yay! Minimal, brief, and scripted human interaction! I can handle that! However, while I was driving around town, the tension only worsened, so I texted Counselor.

Is it too late to change my mind about meeting today? I figured it probably was, but I had to ask. I was in pretty bad shape, and I have learned not to try to push through it alone if I don't have to.

She offered a 9 pm spot, but I knew there was no chance of me being able to stay awake that late. (I was right. I was crashing by 9:30.) She offered a phone session today, but by then I was feeling a little better, and I decided that I really needed to deal with this yuckiness in a face to face context. I told her I'd just wait until next week. Of course, the day decided at that moment to take another turn south, but I left it alone.

Next thing I knew, she had rearranged things so that she could fit me in at 8:15. It meant I'd have to flex my schedule a bit too, but wow. I almost started crying. I have no idea how she managed that or how much trouble it was. All I know is I am so grateful she was able to fit me in, because I needed that badly.

Grr!

2008-06-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

Every time I try to write, something entirely different comes out. How profoundly frustrating.

Enough

2008-06-17T00:35:00.001-07:00

And that is all I'm going to say about that.

...and Goodbye at the End

2008-06-17T00:07:00.000-07:00

goodbye is the story
we know
oh yes, we know
goodbye
stole my words
pierced my heart
left me hollow
-can i scream yet?-
watch me detach
wax philosophical
i'm fine, i'm fine
screaming from
that hollow space
there were dreams
there was love
and i was rich
but goodbye
in the end
someone turned out the sun
am i in the desert?
is the desert in me?-
or are we the same?
i can't tell anymore
the path disappeared
with goodbye

What I've been Trying to Say

2008-06-10T22:51:00.001-07:00

There's a Protestant pastor in Idaho. He's on his way to becoming Orthodox, and he's been blogging. His name is Shawn.

He wrote a post that captures so many of my own thoughts and experiences in ways that I simply have not been able to adequately express. Do yourself a favor and go read it.

Tangible

2008-06-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

When I was a little kid, I had a special blanket. Blankie. It went everywhere with me. The lining around the edge came loose on one side. My mom would fix it every once in a while, but I'd always pull it right back off. The loose loop made a good handle. Or cape. I would frequently be seen with Blankie in my left hand and the index and middle fingers of my right hand stuffed in my mouth. Four orthodontists later...

I think it's just nice to have something tangible to hold onto sometimes.

A lot of kids do this. One of my best friends growing up had a Snoopy. Eventually we outgrew the dog and the blanket, as we all tend to do. But it's still nice to have something tangible, even as someone who might qualify as a grown-up, isn't it?

I have this necklace. It's the silver cross I received at my baptism, and it says "Save and protect" on the back in Slavonic. I cannot tell you how many times in the last month I have found myself hunched over, clutching that cross. When I can't breath, when the tears won't stop, there's the cross. It reminds me that even if I feel like I'm alone (feelings sometimes lie, Counselor says), I'm really not. It's not magic; it doesn't fix everything, but it does help.

I have always had so much trouble with that. I've beat myself up so many times because I get so mixed up when things happen. I've always figured, Hey, I've been at this business of being a Christian my whole life. What is the deal here? I have some seriously weak faith or something if I have so much trouble hanging on. I see no one else struggling like this...

Sometimes the accusations have been reinforced by others. These became the voices in my head. The voice that tells me that everything is my fault was a teacher. The voice that calls me lazy was several teachers. (God help the smart kids with learning disabilities. No one else will.) Useless, Worthless, and Too Sensitive started as my junior high classmates. I think I have myself to blame for Energy Drain, though that voice has acquired names as well. The most brutal is Discarded. That one carries a long list of names, each of them having once been an important relationship. This tyrant feeds all the others, and the weapons I have are weak against it.

These and others have all taken up residence in my brain, and when they wake up, it can get pretty noisy. Sometimes I can find one of the good voices- Counselor, Big Brother, or some other positive influence. Sometimes I can almost hear them. Sometimes that helps. But not always. Frequently, I have no choice but to ride out the storm. Sometimes it's words. Sometimes it's just unintelligible screaming. Sometimes the noise turns into a panic attack, as was the case two weeks ago when Discarded woke up.

When these tempests come, when I am forced to go through them, I need something to hold onto. I've been spotted on countless occasions sitting on the floor with my knees pulled up and my arms wrapped around them as though to hold myself together.

It hasn't been quite that bad in over a year, thanks to a lot of hard work with Counselor and a lot of support from some long-suffering friends. But these attacks do still come, and if there's no one to speak against them, I still do so much better if I have something tangible to hold onto. Something that at least hints at some semblance of security. In the past, that something has been a pillow or a large teddy bear, among other things.

I don't know if I'll ever be completely free of this waking nightmare. What I do know is that though they can still be powerful, they no longer have the power to destroy me. Even when I can't make it stop, I have something tangible to hold onto that reminds me that there's Someone bigger than the chaos, and that I belong to that Someone. Even if the voices or the panic beat me up, I'll be ok.

I'll always eventually be ok.

**************************************
Ooooooh. And, as if on cue, Discarded has woken up again and taken the form of a waiguoren. Better than the form it was trying to wear earlier today.

Recovery

2008-06-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

I spent the last two evenings with church people. It's been lovely. Yesterday was Nora the Exuberant's birthday, and a few of us got together. Someone commented that I looked so much better than I had on Sunday. This is most excellent, for I felt like the living dead last Sunday. Tonight at vespers, Jason asked if I had gotten any sleep.

Yes, in fact I am finally feeling something close to normal again. I'm not shaking all the time. I can eat, somewhat. There's still some room for improvement there. I'm sleeping normal hours, and I'm not falling asleep at the wrong times. My emotions have been all over the place, but that's pretty much to be expected at this point. There has been no further panic. Yay!

Remember Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail? She wishes for the ability to come up with the response she wants, when she wants it. She wants the power of the zinger. Interactions with Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) suddenly unearth that very skill, and immediately she wishes she could unsay certain things.

I am wishing that right now, as well. My mouth (or, in this case, my fingers) has (have) gone off and said things it (they) needn't have said. More than once, even. In fact, that seems to be my latest thing. Yikes.

I'm jumbled. I'm right side up again, but things in me are still trying to get back to where they're supposed to be. I'm tired and frustrated. My frustration seems to be bursting out at the wrong moments. If I could keep from mouthing off at the people who mean the most to me, that would be good.

What I Thought I Wanted

2008-06-05T13:20:00.000-07:00

Today is the Feast of the Ascension. The forty days after Pascha are finally over. It was a bit startling, though I knew it was coming, when Father Patrick prayed for the newly illumined in this morning's liturgy, and my name and those of my newly sealed friends weren't mentioned. When I say startling, I mean two things. First, I'd become accustomed to the list of the six of us in that prayer. Second, it came as a great relief that the literal forty days are past! Perhaps my wilderness trek may continue. Perhaps not. I don't know, and I'm not going to try to guess.

In a dramatic climax to the story, I was given the unexpected opportunity to take a couple days off to relax last week. I had that panic attack last Tuesday, and I had been shaking since the previous Saturday. Tuesday night, I managed a whopping three hours of sleep. We had a Chamber event Wednesday night, so I didn't get home until after nine.

I crashed. Hard. I had had in the back of my mind that I would take Thursday morning off to get school stuff taken care of. I wasn't sure what would happen from there. When I woke up that morning, I knew I was in trouble. I was feeling very weak, probably because I was almost completely unable to eat on Wednesday. Standing was exhausting. I was still shaking way too much.

After I took care of the school part of the day, I went back to bed. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it. I was terrified. I honestly thought I might die. It took an hour and a good deal of effort to calm myself.

I'm not sure if it was entirely a result of Thursday, or if Thursday only triggered a collapse that had been on its way for a month, but I slept almost the entire day Friday. That was not the plan, but every time I tried to do anything, I ended up asleep instead. Apparently, I was really tired, because I then proceeded to sleep all night, too! Saturday and Sunday were slightly better, though not much. I managed to stay awake through church. Barely.

Oddly enough, inability to maintain consciousness is not so very conducive to getting a research paper written! Go figure. This, of course, only added to the stress, which was already out of control.

Somewhere in those four days, I realized some things. As soon as I let go of the need to get the paper done, all that sleep finally turned into rest, and the overwhelming stress was lifted.

I learned a lot from that class this quarter. Not everything I learned was material presented in class, though. I really enjoyed the class. The teacher is without question one of the best I've had. One of the things I learned, though, is that the future that would follow that program is not a future I want. It sounds exciting, don't get me wrong. It's just that there are certain priorities that I try to maintain, and it is fairly clear that this road would send me in quite the opposite direction. Yes, this means I probably will never be Double 0 Spider, MacGyver, or Agent 99. However, when faced with the choice between what I want to do and who I want to be, "who" has to come out on top.

I know there are those who will read this and think I gave up. There are those who will be terribly disappointed in me. I'm a bit nervous about that. I try not to be worried about it, but these are people who are very important to me. The voice that decided to call me a quitter and failure, the other voice that has taken up the banner declaring me both stuck and useless, these are not helping matters. But the bottom line is this is the decision I had to make, and I don't question that I chose what's better for me.

One of these days I'll figure out where I am going.

Adding to the Problem

2008-05-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

I have too much to do. I'm already terminally exhausted and dealing with a bit of insomnia. Just about every area of my life is in flux. So am I sleeping off the attack, now that I'm safely home and drinking hot chocolate? Of course not! I have too much to do. And it all has to be done now. I think I'm going to have to call in sick Thursday and Friday. I don't see much other choice at this point. I'd really rather not drive myself into a breakdown. That's one thing I really don't need to prove. I already know I'm capable of that.

Why, oh why did I think I could take on grad school? Oh yeah, my life was sane when the quarter started. Well, it sure as heck isn't now.

Well, That Was Fun

2008-05-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting in my class right now, breathing on the four count. Yeah, that's right. I just had a little panic attack. All sorts of old friends are visiting today! My lung squishing elephant showed up early this afternoon. I guess he followed me to school, cause about a half hour ago, WHAMO. Heart rate went nuts, hand went numb, couldn't breathe, yeah. Course, I've been shaking since Saturday night. This was going to happen eventually. At least it waited until I was off the road, and it waited until after the quiz.

Amazingly, a classmate also has panic disorder, so we've been comparing notes. I cannot begin to tell you how helpful it is to know in the moment that I'm not the only one.

There's still a good chance I might throw up, and I'm still shaking. I gotta calm down before I try to drive.

Um

2008-05-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

I think I'm teetering. It feels like the depression is trying to come back. That sucks. At least now I potentially have tools to fight it off. I guess we'll see how well they work.

In related news, I'll see Counselor on Thursday for the first time in three weeks.

Father Patrick said on Sunday that when one becomes Orthodox, all hell breaks loose. No kidding. He told me that it is common for the newly illumined to go through a period of testing after their baptism. He reminded me that even Jesus went into the wilderness after his baptism. The last month of my life has made my friend "Moses" declare me the poster child for post-illumination. I'm not the only poster child in my parish, though, so I know it's not just me.

Knowing where things are coming from is helpful, but I am so ready for this forty days (literal or not) to be over.

Reorganizing...

2008-05-24T14:19:00.000-07:00

Pretty much everything. Again.

Things don't make sense right now.

Something significant could be in the works, but I don't know this for sure. Neither do I know what it would be. All I know is I'm experiencing a great deal of unsettledness. Again.

So. What's next for the Spidey?

Someday I May Laugh About This

2008-05-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

But for now I'm a bit peeved. The house wherein I am now renting a room and where I have slept the last two nights (if you use a very loose interpretation of the word "sleep") has a button on its deadbolt. If said button is engaged, even someone with a key cannot unlock the bolt.

I got back from school at 11. I'm now spending the night at my parents' house, because, you guessed it, I'm locked out.

Silence

2008-05-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

There is too much going on. I'm probably going to be fairly quiet around here for a little while.

What a Novel Idea!

2008-05-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

About halfway through liturgy today I realized a few things.

It's Mother's Day.
There was not going to be a Mother's Day sermon. (The homily was on the reading from Acts.)
I'll never have to sit through another well-intentioned but just plain wrong Mother's Day sermon ever again. (No more plastic "jewels!")

And when I found myself thinking this, I told myself, Well, duh. Yes, had I considered it, I would not have been surprised. However, Mother's Day sermons aren't exactly high on my list of topics for contemplation!

Unexpected Oliphaunts

2008-05-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

Oliphaunts are fearsome creatures, though the stories make one want to see them. Oliphaunts in Ithilien, however, are unnerving indeed! The storm itself is passed, though. I think. At least for now. And I'm still in one piece. Mostly. Some mending might be in order, but that will come in time.

Meanwhile, I have discovered something else that is unnerving. Butterfinger ice cream. It is orange and salty. Weird.

Suspended

2008-05-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

mired in fear
grasping, clutching
holding on in desperation to
something i cannot keep
a story interrupted
a dream suspended
please
let me fall asleep again
please
write another chapter
or twenty
please
help me let go
open these hands
open this heart
help me trust
don't leave me here
don't ask me to walk
alone

Public Service Announcement

2008-05-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes "good" and "right" are very painful and bring along their very own lung squishing elephant.